Re: Was Ist Das? - #2

We have an answer! After posting my rant about the random toilet cord and plug-in in Was Ist Das - #2, I got a quick response on Google Buzz from our friend and past tenant of the apartment.

Barbara: hahahaha :) did you try to push the buttons at the sides?

Me: Buttons? Be right back.

There turns out to be two silver buttons on the side of this machine. And, yes, I now call it a machine. This toilet has way too many abilities to be just a toilet. Hmmm...what do you think I do with those? I start pushing both in, turning them forwards and backwards, pushing one while turning the other...nothing. They have to do something. And then something happened. Come to find out all I needed to do was put pressure on the toilet seat and push the right button.


So, I am leaning over the toilet with one hand on the seat and the rest of my body zoned in to figuring out this button mystery, when all of a sudden I start getting sprayed head to toe with water. I start screaming at the top of my lungs wondering what the hell just happened. There is a fountain of water spraying out of this machine. Once my screams settle and the mechanical arm spraying the water retreats, I notice that not only am I soaked but the bathroom door, floor, and bathtub are drenched. 

What the hell just happened?

I come back to my computer and Barbara is online messaging me to look in the kitchen, under the stove. I am truly scared now. She sent me in to uncharted territory last time with no instructions and look what happened. Now what? She tells there is an instruction manual for the toilet. She also said that after she had seen the instructions, she was too scared to test out its' capabilities.

How can an instruction manual be that scary?

I dig through the instruction booklets of all our appliances and the last one I come upon is for the toilet. At first sight, it looks normal. There is a booklet with directions like usual, but when you keep looking there is this separate page of illustrations explaining the simple 4-step approach to using the machine successfully. 

These graphic illustrations are just wrong. At first glance, I thought the guy just had a lot of cellulite, but turns out he is made out of clay. Then I keep looking and he has this creepy smile that keeps changing at each step. He looks the happiest (and creepiest) when the water is shooting up his yoo-hoo. And, in the last picture, during the "drying phase", he even has a newspaper in his hands. So strange. Just so wrong.

You may be wondering then, if after all that, did I go back in and try out each of the steps. Hell no. The closest I got was spraying my camera when trying to shoot the video. What kind of a toilet has a mechanical arm that shoots water high enough to reach the ceiling? It also had three spray directions, an air freshener, and dryer.

I am still feeling a little violated.